


Digging Myself Down Deeper

by foryoumalfoy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Betrayal, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Cheating, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Levi Ackerman is Bad at Feelings, Sexual Tension, self sabotage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:54:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29752296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foryoumalfoy/pseuds/foryoumalfoy
Summary: People are complicated. They're irrational and emotional but cold and unfeeling all at the same time. And Levi Ackerman was certainly one of those people. He was this intricate enigma that Y/N just couldn't stay away from. He warned her repeatedly. He was like wildfire and she was going to get burned.
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Reader, Levi Ackerman/Petra Ral, Levi Ackerman/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	1. The Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> This is the only thing I've ever posted that I've written to please be kind. This was inspired by a tiktok that naolime22 posted that had fan art to go with this idea. I couldn't get it out of my head.

You didn’t want to believe what you were hearing. Out of all the terrible things Y/N had faced, this was truly going to be the worst of it. Your mind is racing now trying to remember every single touch, caress, kiss, moan… every little fucking thing that had happened between you two. Just a few nights ago you were in his arms, being kissed senseless against his door before he picked you up and took you to his bed. How many nights had you spent in that abnormally clean fucking bed? How many times did you fall asleep listening to his steady breathing or watching his face slip into the most peaceful state you’d ever seen it? How many times did you listen to him read whatever book he found lying around? The sound of his voice had comforted you more than anything before. All those mornings he woke you up with soft touches, gently pulling you from the lull of sleep… was any of it real? Did any of it matter? 

“L-Levi, what about Y/N?” God, you felt like your heart was actually splitting in two. You knew pain well. Sometimes you thought that there was nothing in this world you were more acquainted with. But this was just… this was too much. Did you really deserve this? Your _relationship_ wasn’t new. It also wasn’t really the biggest secret despite how hard you each worked to keep it for as long as you could. One close call was all it took for him to suddenly not care for one whole night about who saw your untouched bed and you leaving his room the next morning. That was supposed to be your big moment. Up until right this second, you really thought it was. It was supposed to be the moment he stopped fighting it… the moment he really accepted that even in this cruel and shitty world, you were his and he was yours and that was that. 

That’s all gone. All of it just went up in smoke. 

“Shut up.” That voice you knew just so well said in response and you heard the sound of their lips colliding once more. 

They didn’t even have the decency to do this somewhere that they wouldn’t be found. Anyone could come walking by here at any moment and see them the same way you were but of course it was you that had done so. Maybe it was fate. Maybe he was right when he said it wouldn’t ever end well. Did he say that because he knew even then he’d do this? 

Another person had rounded the corner now, stopping in their tracks before looking into your eyes, shock that was all to be seen in them.

The door to the mess was just cracked. The fire from the fireplace inside was hissing through the air, mingling with the sound of _them_. 

Jean’s eyes were wide as he took a few steps closer to the door where you were currently standing. He raised his hands, saying your name gently. The pain in your face was obvious. The tears built glistening in your e/c eyes suddenly felt so heavy. This entire thing just felt like a weight upon you now. Was this really happening? Especially the day before the biggest scouting mission planned?

“Y/N…” Jean whispered, approaching you slowly as if to avoid setting you off or anything. His hand ghosted over your lower back before taking your hand in his. He just wanted to comfort you somehow. You were one of the kindest people he’d gotten to know since joining the Corps. He’d grown incredibly fond of you actually.

“ _Levi._ ” Petra’s voice carried through the air through the slit of the door. A visceral emotion ripped through you now, making you want to fucking explode. 

“Y/N!” Jean tried to tighten his hand around yours but you had already ripped your hand away, throwing the door open.

He had her back up against one of the tables, standing between her legs with his shirt off. His whole body tensed when he saw you. The sheer fire in your eyes, the tears you had clearly already shed. How much did you hear, he wondered. His hand was fisted into her fucking hair, you knew exactly what that felt like. His lips were a little bit red and definitely swollen. It made you feel fucking sick. Her hands flew up to cover her exposed chest, closing her own shirt that had been pulled open. He took his hand out of Petra’s hair, cursing under his breath. With a single motion, he stepped out from in between her legs, turning on the spot to pick up his shirt and throw it on, his back now facing you. Jean was still behind you, tensely watching what was about to happen. 

“Y/N!” Petra tried to say now, suddenly crying tears of her own. She was beet red. What could she say right now to make a difference?

“What the fuck are _you_ crying for?” You were shaking from head to toe as you spoke, “It’s not like you sounded like he really twisted your arm into it.” You surged forward, almost wanting to wrap your hands around one of their throats. You didn’t care which one. 

“Y/N NO!” Jean yelled, catching you by the waist as you shoved and pushed against him, almost speaking incoherently. Your voice was almost wrought with the pain.

“What’s the matter Levi? Nothing to fucking say you little smug motherfucker?” His head snapped up to meet your gaze finally. How the fuck did he always manage to look like he truly feels nothing? 

“I told you so.” Was all he said. And you completely lost it, almost swinging back at Jean who picked you up from the ground completely.

“WAS ANY OF IT REAL? WAS THIS ALL A FUCKING LIE?” You managed to shake Jean for a second, elbowing him in the face before he released you onto the ground, “Why did you have to do this today? Tonight of all fucking nights?” You rushed to wipe the tears that still fell, “You know why you’ll never get to keep anything good, Levi?” His eyes burned into yours, “Because you fucking do whatever you can to try and destroy it before something else does for you. You act all hard and like nothing in the world can faze you but really you’re just a fucking coward!” Levi’s mouth actually fell open, pain striking across his notorious emotionless mask. Petra looked back at him with wide eyes. Jean’s arms wrapped around you, bear-hugging you into the air and surging out of the mess. 

You didn’t have it in you to fight him this time. You didn’t care anymore. It was done. Fully done. And you were the one to deliver the final blow, for once. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> artwork credit: https://ladyuchiha23.tumblr.com/post/66986021830/levi-x-petra-3-i-love-this-couple-3


	2. The Before

The sun hadn’t risen yet, thankfully. It was far too warm and peaceful where you were currently wrapped in the slender arms of the raven haired captain. Humanity’s strongest. You could hear the _Tch_ already just thinking about whenever he hears someone actually call him that. It was the oddest sensation now; actually being able to be the only person allowed close enough to this insanely complicated man. You knew what his touch felt like, what he tasted like. You knew just how perfectly balanced he made his tea and how he made you a special kind on nights where you woke up shaking, reliving moments from the past. 

Some nights you would hear the screams of your family on that terrible, terrible day all those years ago. Other nights it would be the faces of your fallen comrades. But on very rare occasions, you saw him beaten and bloody. You saw his luck run out the way you truly always feared it would. You saw him being pulled apart by Titans. Whatever happened in those dreams, it never failed to send you into full-blown panic attacks. 

And on those nights, he was usually asleep beside you or sitting up against the headboard with papers or a book. His hands would find you instantly, usually cupping your face, trying to bring you back to reality. This time you were asleep on his lower chest, falling asleep quickly after he’d stroked his fingers through your hair a few times. He’d put his book down, using his other hand to pull you closer and higher up on his chest.

“It’s alright, Y/N.” He’d say softly against your forehead before pressing his lips to your skin, “Just breathe, I’m here.” His words were simple, but everything. He was always so warm to the touch. You’d become quite addicted to the feeling of his skin on yours. You hated to be cold, always had. 

“Good girl.” He murmured against your skin, feeling your heartbeat start to slow down against his bare chest. You stayed there for a few more minutes just breathing in the smell of him, lips resting almost against his skin. 

“Don’t die, Levi.” You finally said as he felt your lips brushing against him. He let out a deep breath.

“Y/N…” His tone was somber.

“Please, Levi. Even if you don’t believe it… I need you to promise me that you will always come back to me.” A few stubborn tears had fallen onto his pale skin. 

“I told you when we started this, this will all end badly.” You rose your head to glare at him.

“You carry humanity on your shoulders, Levi. Let yourself have this. This one thing.” 

“And what happens when you’re taken from me too?” He says without even thinking.

“Is that what you think is going to happen?” 

“Look at what we do for a living, idiot. This life never lets us keep anything good.” 

“ _You’re_ the idiot for thinking that’s a good enough excuse.” You sat up to climb out of the bed and his hand shot out to grip your wrist.

“Wait.” He said through gritted teeth, “I-I told you I don’t know how to _do this._ I told you that we shouldn’t have let things get this far. And yet here we are.” He shook his head.

“Yeah, here we are.” You said suddenly unable to look away from his lips. Those fucking lips. His eyes lit up almost, realizing right away where you were looking. And without another word, he surged forward to pull you by your waist, right into his lap before sitting up to kiss you hard on the lips, using his thumb to pull your chin down, opening your mouth to him fully. You never got over the taste of this man. It was like your own personal brand of heroin. 

“Relentless brat.” He said against your lips, “We’re so fucked.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 3 & 4 are almost finished. I have most of chap 3 done but I want to post them together. This will probably have 2 or three more chapters at most. I am trying to make them much longer than the first 2, don't worry. Thanks for reading!


	3. The Consequences Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like it(◕‿◕) I thought the first two chapters were a bit rushed so I tried to drag this one out better without being boring. The next chapters are already in the works. If Y/N's decisions don't align with yours, sorry (¬_¬)  
> T/W Sexual Content in this chapter.

The night sky seemed to be scolding her too. As if the stars got together to glare back down at her. It was suffocating. Her mind was still reeling from what had just happened. She had crossed a line, one of the biggest lines drawn in the sand. She was Y/N’s friend. She was Levi’s subordinate. There were so many reasons why what just occurred was indeed the biggest mistake she’d made in a long time. How the fuck was she going to face either of them tomorrow? Squeezing her eyes shut she tried as hard as she could to seal away the memory entirely. Forget the way he tasted. Forget the feeling of his hands in her hair and on her chest. 

He was one of her closest friends. He was someone she was supposed to be able to depend on no matter what… But perhaps that's the issue entirely here. Everyone walks around putting Levi on such a pedestal that they forget he’s still a person. He’s merely human. Sometimes it’s like he even forgets, the man barely even sleeps anymore. 

It all felt so screwed up; beyond all repair. Petra knew just how long it took for Levi to accept the way he felt for Y/N. She didn’t miss a thing. His eyes would follow her when she left the room. If anyone touched her he couldn’t help but glance over even for a second. There was one specific incident where Petra had even heard them in his room one night when she was going to try and bring him tea because she couldn’t sleep. She would be a liar if she said it didn’t actually turn her on a little bit and make her yearn for someone to make her voice sound the way Y/N’s did. It was almost impossible to look at either of them the next day and Levi realized then that she knew. 

It had been such a long time since Y/N was placed on Hange’s squad and introduced to everyone else in the other squads. Even then she was enchanted just like everyone else, although Levi fought tooth and nail to make sure he never showed it even for a moment. She wondered how it really started with you two. Did it happen all at once or slowly? 

She shook her head, willing the thoughts away. It would do her no good now to think about it. Tomorrow was so important. They couldn’t let this get in the way. 

But inside, she felt fucking terrible. 

“Petra!” Eld’s voice pulled her from her trance as she rushed to get back to her room, “Are you okay? What happened?” She wiped her face quickly. Her shirt was a bit rumpled beneath her jacket and her hair was really out of place. She didn’t look anything like her usual self. Especially not the redness that lingered in and around her eyes, 

“I- I--” She struggled to find the right words as Levi’s filled her brain from just minutes before. 

_“This was a mistake, Petra.” He said before walking out of the mess before her, “I’m sorry.”_

_“I’m not the one who deserves to hear that apology, Levi.” Petra told him before he vanished through the doorway._

“Petra?” Eld’s hands were on her shoulders shaking her gently. Her head dropped, looking down in shame.

“I did something terrible…” She squeaked, “I-- I didn’t mean for it to happen… it just did. And I don’t think I can take it back now.”

“What are you saying Petra?” The worry in his eyes was evident as he looked over her, trying desperately to find anything that would clue him into why she was like this. She didn’t answer him, she just wrapped her little arms around his waist and buried her face in his chest. He had no idea how to handle this. Usually, it was Petra comforting everyone else. She was always the guiding light here. What could have happened to make her like this?

“Petra, did someone hurt you?” He pulled back, trying to look at her. She shook her head against his chest.

“ _I’m_ the one who hurt someone tonight, Eld. It was _me_ …. _And Levi_.” The last two words slammed into him. 

He walked her back to her room when she asked and he listened to her recount the events that led to this whole thing in the first place. It wasn’t like either of them planned it. It wasn’t some move they made consciously in order to hurt anyone else, especially Y/N. Petra spoke slowly as she recalled the conversation she and Levi were having in the mess before anything had happened. She went there to sit by the fire and found him reading alone. She wondered faintly where Y/N was at that moment. More often than not, the two would be having tea together, Y/N resting on her elbows listening intently to Levi read. But tonight he was alone. 

It wasn’t that she had feelings for him that way, truly it wasn’t. But they got to talking. And he seemed like he was really struggling to come to grips with something serious. So she tried to help. It was only when he spoke about knowing he was probably going to lose her in tomorrow’s mission that Petra started to feel something unexpected. She was almost jealous that Y/N had someone who thought about her like this. Someone who truly feared losing her. And yes, Petra knew full and well how dear his squad was to him. He never needed to say it for her to know. For one second, one single second, she wondered what it felt like to be Y/N. 

Levi was scared and extremely conflicted. He never knew how to deal with these kinds of feelings without just burying them away and pretending they didn’t exist or were beneath him. But this was so different. He felt like he was practically suffocating from it all. Tomorrow was the biggest expedition they had planned so far. Not to mention all the other aspects of tomorrow's missions that Levi wasn’t allowed to tell anyone, even Y/N. Shit, he’d been sitting here reading the same paragraph over and over again just trying to distract himself from what he feared was the inevitable. Reiner's words from just a few hours prior were still ringing in his ears no matter how hard he tried to ignore them. They did something to him. They opened his eyes in the worst way. And for just one second, Levi wanted to make it _stop_. 

And there was Petra. A girl he had come to truly admire and care for. Her lips looked warm, but her eyes were lingering on him in a different way than they ever had before. They were looking at him like someone who wanted to just numb it all. 

So he kissed her. 

“How did you two go from talking about Y/N… to …” Eld dared to ask.

“I don’t know!” Petra shook her head, trying to go over it again, “One second he was looking at me with so much pain and torment and I was just _lonely_ and he was _there_ and… and…” Petra sighed almost in disbelief now, “The look on her face when she saw us… I’ve never felt like a worse person in my life. And tomorrow, if I die, it’ll only be karma at that point.”

“Don’t say that Petra!” Eld grabbed her face in his hands, “Why did you go to _Levi_ when _I’m right_ _here_?” As if the night couldn’t get any more intense, she was thrown for an entirely new loop. 

“I know he’s our captain. I know I’m his right hand. But I want to march to his room and fucking pummel him for putting you in this kind of position right now. He did what some guys do, he self-sabotaged before getting hurt. That’s no excuse for doing this to a member of his own squad, especially you.”

“He knows it was a mistake. _He knows_.” Petra said before Eld brought her in to hold her, “ He told me he was sorry, even though it should’ve been her he was saying that too. The damage is already done.” She took a deep breath and leaned her head in her hands, “I need to apologize. I can’t--”

“Wait until the morning.” Eld pleaded, “She is probably going to need a little bit of time to cool off and we should really be getting rest for tomorrow.”

“Eld… stay with me?” The words were out before she could stop them. She wouldn’t admit it tomorrow but for now, she was afraid for what the day would bring. They had only so much luck and skill between them. The same way Levi constantly feared when Y/N’s time would run out, Petra worried when theirs all would. 

“Of course.” Eld was cupping her cheek, just grazing his finger over her skin. He decided then he never wanted to see her cry like this. He’d make sure she was never hurt like this again. 

  
  


~*~

Your brain felt like it was on fire, not an angry fire anymore, but one of pure anguish. You cried almost silently the entire way that Jean carried you back to your room, avoiding running into anyone else that was lingering out of bed after hours. He put you down only to hide with you behind a corner as someone else passed. He didn’t bother looking to see who it was, fearing it might even be Levi. 

Your breathing had slowed down and the tears had stopped almost completely when he finally made it to your room and put you down on your bed gently. He’d never really been this close to you before uninterrupted. Aside from sitting beside you at dinner sometimes and maybe sparring here and there, he’d never gotten a full chance to look at you this close. Your e/c eyes were much more enticing than he’d noticed before. Your lips were pink, marked a little bit from obvious nervous chewing that he caught you doing when you were in deep thought sometimes. There was this mark on the highest point of your cheekbone, a bit darker than the rest of your skin. It was actually quite intense for him, seeing you in this vulnerable of a state. 

Inside, you felt utterly emotionally exhausted. Your chest felt like it would cave in at any moment and you wondered if you’d feel this way forever. This entire thing was just so much to handle. You weren’t foolish enough to believe someday you and Levi would be married with kids and a dog with a simple life but you had always believed he would _never_ stop being yours. Jean looked into your cold eyes, wondering slightly if he should just leave. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He knelt down, both arms resting on the bed along each side of you. 

“I-I just--” You truly struggled to find the words to describe how broken you felt right now. He reached up to hold your face, delicately, carefully watching to make sure that touching you this way wasn’t going to make you uncomfortable. When you didn’t pull away, he held it a bit firmer.

“I know we’re not exactly _close_ , but you are the very last person to deserve something like that happening to you. This world is already shitty enough. I would do pretty much anything right now to take this pain away from you so you don’t have to feel it.” Sylvie’s head fell forward and her forehead rested on his shoulder. She took a deep breath.

“I don’t _want_ to feel it.” She said weakly, “I need-- I need to feel something else.”

“Is there anything I can get you? I feel sort of like a schmuck if I just leave you here like this.” He ran a nervous hand through his hair and she sat up, looking into his eyes again. She was so close he could feel her tired breaths on his face, on his lips.

“Is this how it feels for you when you see Mikasa with Eren? Is this what that pain feels like?” Jean’s eyebrows raised as he blinked hard, really absorbing her words.

“I mean, she never felt that way about me so, no. I don’t think I know what your pain feels like. I can imagine, but Mikasa was never... mine," He chose the word carefully, "to begin with. That first night though…when I saw them leave together and how they interacted, yeah I guess I felt some form of that then.” She stayed silent for a moment, really mulling over her next words.

“We might die tomorrow.” She said and he opened his mouth to stop her, “I know it sounds pessimistic and it’s not the way to think going into something this important but we know each time we leave this place to go out _there_ we might not come back. I just-- I don’t want to go into tomorrow feeling _like this_.” 

“Then what do you want to feel?” His voice had dropped considerably, barely above a whisper. 

_Where was she going with this? He thought to himself._

“Loved. Cared for. Cherished. Even if it’s just for tonight.” He couldn’t stop the shock from seeping into his expression and he stuttered for a moment.

“I-- Y/N I don’t think--” He cleared his throat nervously, “I feel like I’d be taking advantage of someone in a really fragile state… I don’t think I can do that.”

“You’re not taking advantage if I’m asking, Jean.”

“A few minutes ago you had your heart crushed by someone you love. I don’t think this is really what you want.”

“ _Jean. Please… just for tonight.. Just take the pain away. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”_ He jumped slightly when your hands came to rest on his face, one moving to the back of his neck where goosebumps erupted on his skin. 

“Y/N…” His mouth hung open for a second as he tried to grapple with this, “I don’t want this to be just another thing happening tonight that you regret.” 

“Then make it worth it.” Before he could answer, you fell forward, quieting him with your soft lips. The kiss was slow, still filled with hesitance more so on his end. He took his time to absorb every little detail before he finally gave in, a sharp breath leaving him with the last of his resolve. His arm came to wrap around your waist, pulling you closer as your tongue made its way into his mouth. You shoved all thoughts of how different this was from Levi aside, locking them away in a little box to open another day. Right now, you were just going to cope the only way you could. 

Jean’s mouth had torn away from yours so he could press his lips into your jawline before moving lower to your neck. The sound that escaped your lips made him smirk. You smelled so good for a soldier, clean and almost like something sweet. He reminded himself quickly that this was just supposed to be about sex. Nothing more. 

You broke apart only so you could move farther onto the bed, laying back to watch as Jean started unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it off, and dropping it onto your floor. He was definitely not the worst to look at. In fact, you always knew he was rather attractive. A new heat rushed through you as he climbed onto the bed, sitting on his haunches between your legs so he could reach up and unbutton your shirt as well. Nothing about this was going to be rushed, he decided. You asked him to make the pain go away, and that’s exactly what he planned to do. 

He didn’t think about the mission tomorrow. Neither of you was focused on the fact that you should both be trying to sleep and rest before the mission. Every bit of your collective attention was focused on peeling each garment of clothes off of each other, tasting, licking, even biting, every inch of skin you could reach. 

When his fingers brushed against your core, he was almost reeling from the gravity of the moment. He’d never imagined he’d have you this way. He’d never thought he’d get even close. Yet here he was watching you writhe and whine beneath him as he used his fingers to touch the deepest parts of you, teasing your most sensitive spot at the same time. You couldn’t believe how gentle he was but still so firm. 

“ _Thank you, Jean_.” The words fell out of your mouth mingled with a soft moan, sending waves of a new kind of pleasure through him.

He leaned forward to catch your lips as he worked to push you further to your release.

“You’re _very_ welcome, love.” He kissed your neck, biting softly, completely sending you over the edge as his fingers curled into that spot you knew so well. He didn’t stop until you fully came down, pulling his fingers from you and actually licking them clean.

“We can stop here, you know.” He said while rubbing circles on your naked stomach, making you twitch from the sensation. 

“No, I don’t want to stop.” You brought your lips to his once more, and that was that. 

~*~

You woke from deep sleep to the bed shifting, opening your eyes to see Jean standing up to start getting dressed. It was still dark outside, the only light coming from the two lanterns lit. He turned to look at you, meeting your open eyes to his surprise.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” He brushes your hair back, “You still have an hour or so before we have to be awake. Sleep.” He patted your head gently before slipping his shirt back on. 

“Would it be too much for me to ask the question?” You said quietly, wondering what this meant for you both. You knew it was clear that it was a one-time thing, but he did indeed make all the pain go away. 

“We’re both in love with other people.” He buttoned up while looking you in the eyes, “I think that’s all that needs to be said.” 

“So we’re going to be alright?” All you wanted was to make sure you could keep this newly close unexpected friendship. He gave you a small reassuring smile.

“Yes, Y/N , we’re alright. I’ll see you out there today, don’t die.” 

The sound of the door shutting actually made you feel a certain way. You were finally alone with your thoughts. There was no way you’d be going back to sleep. Jean told you the same words you always told Levi. ‘Don’t die.’

Levi. A small wave of guilt washed over you that you tried to shoo away. He made the first move to start all of his. He was the one who hurt you first. How you chose to soothe that pain was your business. But nonetheless, you couldn’t stop wishing it had been Levi.

The sounds of him mingled with Petra invaded your brain and you shook your head, trying to forget them. It was useless though. The sound of her voice seemed to be playing on a loop. 

Did you try to push him too hard, you wondered. Did you finally ask too much of him? Why the fuck did he do this to you? You had only seen him an hour or two prior to finding him and her. He was walking away from Reiner. You could see his mood was shifted considerably but you thought he was probably just irked about any of the million things that could possibly do that. He was perfectly fine that morning though. You remember the last kiss you guys shared just before you left his office to find the rest of your squad for any other orders. It was quick like you would do it a million more times. You had reached up to brush a strand of hair back in place and he just watched. There was an emotion in his face you couldn’t read but that was nothing new. He knew how to mask something if he wanted to. You started to wonder if he even knew then he would do something like what he did. It didn’t seem like it had happened before. 

_“What about Y/N?”_ Petra’s words replayed in your mind. Everyone had known about you two for a few months now, more publicly since you almost died in the efforts to retake Trost. Not a single soul missed the way he demanded to be the one to carry you or that he carried you to _his_ room and not yours. Even Levi himself was more than shocked at how quickly he was able to let go of his fears and concerns regarding people knowing about you two. Erwin was the only person he had told. He suspected Hange was aware as well but she was careful not to push his buttons for once. 

The entire place was almost a buzz with chatter amongst the cadets about it. It became such a nuisance that Levi decided to handle it. They were all forced to stand in the rain, holding buckets, until they dropped. 

_“Do you know why you’ve all received such a punishment?” Levi asked as he walked between the rows of cadets, some already wavering. No one dared to answer, knowing better. This was entirely rhetorical._

_“My business as a person outside of being your captain is absolutely none of your fucking concern. The next time I hear someone bring it up, especially to Cadet L/N , this will become a regular occurrence. Every. Single. Time. It. Rains.”_

You were so embarrassed when your squad told you about it but a huge part of you was insanely floored. He actually took public responsibility for your relationship. It was unexpected but so so welcomed. 

And now it was like a house after a fire. The framework was still there, studs and beams and all. But the details, the fine tiny little details that you grew to cherish higher than all else, those were tarnished; ruined for good. 

Today was the 57th expedition. This was such an important day. There were so many things riding on it going well. Even if the success rate was what it was. Commander Erwin was a brilliant man, a bit mad at times, but utterly brilliant. It was impossible not to admire him. His was the only blessing you even cared about when it came to you and Levi. Would he feel foolish for giving it now that it had turned out the way he had feared? You shuddered at the thought of disappointing him and having to acknowledge this kind of thing happened. 

You turned onto your side, nostrils being invaded with the lingering smell of the person who shared your bed last night. 

Did you regret it? Honestly?

No. You truly didn’t regret what you did. Jean had taken his time reminding you that you were a person worth love, intimacy even. You were grateful for how respectful he was, truly making sure it was okay before even agreeing. A lesser man would have simply pounced on the idea, but Jean was good. He was bigger than Levi, but that wasn’t surprising and it didn’t make that much of a difference. It was entirely different than being with someone out of love.

A small bit of dread overtook you as you contemplated what would happen if Levi had found out. 

_He made his choice,_ you think to yourself.

You sat up in bed now, ready to just get up, get dressed, and start the day. It was no use putting off the inevitable and at this point, the distraction was so welcome. 

A soft knock on the door stops you halfway through dressing, leaving you in your boots, pants, and a tank top. Your heart leaped. Was it him? Could he really have come?

You open the door slowly, giving yourself time to prepare. 

“Y/N?” A small dirty blonde was standing before you, hands clasped together, eyes full of guilt.

  
  
  



	4. The Consequences Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be up as soon as possible! I'm starting a new job tomorrow and am trying to write as much in advance as I can so the next two or three chapters are already pretty far along. I know I said this would only be a few chapters but the more I write the more I want to keep going so truthfully I don't know how long this will be. I hope you like it (◕‿◕)

She was fully dressed, looking just as tired and stressed as you were. You stepped aside quietly and let her in. It was a good painfully slow seconds before either of you did anything. Her nervous eyes found your own and you let out a sigh. A new light had begun to fill the room through the ornate window behind you. The light was beginning to paint the sky, the reality of this day finally inescapable. You wondered what happened after you were carried away by Jean. What did they say to each other? Clearly, Petra came to apologize, even if it was just to make herself feel better about the situation. You knew it probably wasn’t entirely for that selfish reason, she looked genuinely regretful. 

“Just say what you need to say, Petra.” You said, almost annoyed that she came all this way to your room and didn’t have the nerve to start first.

“Y/N, I am so, _so_ sorry. I know it doesn’t change anything… I know it probably doesn’t make any of it hurt any less but I couldn’t go out there today with this on my shoulders. I can’t do what I need to do today while still carrying it with me. It sounds a bit selfish now that I said it aloud.” You respected that much. You were also concerned about having to go on today’s mission with this on your mind. 

Neither of you sat down, you just sort of stood across from each other. It felt so weird to you now. You had been friends after all. She was one of the first people in Levi’s squad that you met and you instantly felt this connection. She was just a warm person. She complimented Levi’s harshness in the squad so well. At the time you even envied her. It feels like all those moments you shared, all the laughs, the occasional late-night talk about things like love, the future, they’re all so far away now. 

She was the first person you told that you had feelings for Levi. You didn’t even mean to do it really. You two were just sitting outside one night and she asked you how you felt about him. At the time you were worried it was because she might have feelings for him. But she just smiled and said she was asking because she noticed this new tension between you two. You couldn’t hide it from her. 

It felt like such a slap in the face when your eyes took in the sight of her with him. There were so many things you wanted to ask.

“Who made the first move?” Your voice was thick with discomfort but you needed to know. She shifted nervously, her lips forming a tight line.

“Y/N…” 

“You _owe_ me this, Petra.”

“Truthfully? I really don’t even know. It happened out of _nowhere_. That’s the truth.” She ran a hand through her hair, “I came to the mess to just sit by the fire and he was already there. He was reading something but I could tell he really wasn’t reading it but more so giving his eyes something to do. He looked, I don’t know, really conflicted about something. I really was just trying to be a good friend but then…” 

“Then you ended up with his tongue in your mouth and your hands all over each other?” You felt a small twinge of guilt as the words sliced through her. She’d obviously been beating herself up about it enough. You take a deep breath, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.” You were feeling so many things at once it was difficult to regulate which one of those emotions was in the driver’s seat. You didn’t believe in shaming the other woman this way, especially if the other woman was trying to take responsibility for it. It was something your mother had instilled in you from a young age. Women were supposed to hold each other up in this world. Petra was being the bigger person, through and through. Bigger than Levi, at least. 

“No, I deserved that. Really.” She sniffled, clearly trying not to cry again, “It’s something I’m going to regret probably for the rest of my life.” She looked at you with painful eyes.

“Do you think _he_ does? Regret it, I mean.” A pregnant pause hung in the air between you for a moment. You could hear a few people outside the door passing the room, all speaking amongst themselves. You wondered how everyone else was handling the anxiety that came with these missions. 

“Yeah. He definitely does. I’m not going to pretend to know his real feelings or anything, but he made it clear that it was a mistake for the both of us.” You wanted to laugh for some reason.

“At least he made it clear to one of us.” You quip, wrestling between wanting to make light of things and make them as uncomfortable as possible. She looked down at the floor again.

“I know he’s been with other people before me. I’m not stupid. I’m not the only one who’s ever gotten to have him.” For the first time you felt like you would cry now, “It’s just that I spent so much time memorizing the marks on his skin; those dark marks from the harness of the ODM. The knicks and slices he’s accumulated throughout his life.” You swallowed thickly, “It fucking gutted me watching you touch him that way. Even if it was a mistake. Even if it _just happened_.” You swallowed the thump in your throat, determined not to cry. 

“I don’t know how much good it will do to tell you this, but like I said I don’t want to go out there today with this all on my chest; selfish as it sounds.” She took a deep breath, “He said your name, at the time… It fell out and hit me like a bucket of cold water so I stopped and I said--” You knew exactly where she was going with this. The words hadn’t left your head since you fucking heard them.

“What about Y/N?” You finished for her. Her eyes widened and her little lips formed a tight line of shame. 

“Yeah.” You both fell silent again, both wondering if there was anything left to say. She knew this meant you probably heard his reply. 

“I hope we all make it today.” Petra said now, occupying the uncomfortable silence, “I want to have the chance to make this right, once and for all.” You were surprised now.

“This apology wasn’t enough?”

“You and Levi are the only two people I’ve ever _really_ seen in love before. Ever.” The words left her again without even thinking. It was the raw truth.

She continued, “There are all different kinds of love, obviously. People want different things in one another. Some want comfort, others want heat. But I think the thing that made me look at yours differently was that you have this way of speaking without words to one another. I wondered sometimes if he could really hear you. After Trost, I saw a side of him I don’t think any of us have ever seen. He was so… full of emotion. His eyes were burning every second up until he got you back here and took you away from everyone’s prying eyes. He stopped just for those moments from trying to be ‘Humanity’s Strongest’. He was just a man who was terrified the woman he loved would be ripped away from him and he didn’t care who knew it. I’ll never forget it.” Her eyes teared up now, “I am so sorry I jeopardized that for you. All I want is to have someone look at me the way you two look at each other. And even if he did something so horrendously terrible. I don’t think it was even a little bit about me; it was still about you.”

“Thank you, Petra.” She took that as a dismissal when you didn’t say anything else and simply bowed her head before turning away.

She left the room quietly. Missing the stream of tears that had broken through the second the door shut.

~*~

  
  


The door to Y/N‘s room clicked shut softly and she only heard her own footsteps then. Petra thought of Eld’s words just a few hours ago. The sensation of his kiss just before they slipped into a comforting sleep lingered on her lips. She realized now that _he_ should have been the one she looked for comfort in all along. How could she have been so stupid to try and find it in Levi? Y/N’s Levi? 

She pushed away the self-pity. She’d just done all she could to make it better for now. She could worry about the rest after the expedition today. But first, there was one other person she needed to see. 

She stopped by his office to find it empty, no surprise really. Of course, he was awake before the rest of the world. The sound of quiet chatter filled the air as she made her way closer to the exterior where cadets where some cadets were piling into the mess for their breakfast. She couldn’t bring herself to go in and settled for snagging a potato and some bread from the kitchen to munch on quickly before they all left. 

Eren and his friends were all huddled at one table, he looked a bit spaced out. She wondered how long she had been in Y/N’s room. Suddenly it felt like the entire base was awake.

She found him just as he was adjusting the saddle of his horse with swift and quick movements. His rugged hands tugging at some places to check the hold. Her captain didn’t look at her when she walked in. In fact, he tried a little bit too hard to appear busy, hoping to avoid this altogether. 

“Petra, not now.” He tried to dismiss her, annoying her even more. She scoffed and shoved him by his shoulder. His eyes widened as he stepped backward. His hair falling into his face even more than usual. She looked entirely different than the night before. The shame that had occupied her face had turned into something else, something more. She looked determined for some reason.

“Shut up and listen to me. If we’re going to go out there today and be _a real team_ , you need to listen. You did what you did last night because it suddenly became a bit _too_ real for you with Y/N, right? The pressure of it all was just too much? Whatever it was, I know it was definitely a mistake on both of our parts. But you’ve been my friend as well as my captain for a little while now. I couldn’t get ready to do this mission knowing that if you leave here today without saying anything to her, apologizing to her… you will have regrets, Levi. You don’t need to shovel this kind of unnecessary guilt onto yourself before anything bad even happens.” Levi almost scoffs at her, but holds back, “ _She_ should’ve been the one you were with last night. And you know that. You said it yourself, we could die out there at any moment. Don’t let this be how she thinks of you.” He looks away from her dismissively, a blank expression already fixed. 

“Go make sure the rest of the squad is getting ready. We leave in an hour.” He said sternly.

“She was right, you know. _You’re_ the one who doesn’t let himself have anything good.” She left him with that before leaving the stables to find the rest of the squad. She would never hear the words of her long-time friend. 

“I know.” 

~*~

  
  


You stood in that same spot Petra left you in for a while. You told yourself that you only had until you walked out of this room to feel all your feelings. All the pain and anguish that wanted to consume you didn’t belong out there. People were depending on you, your squad was depending on you. Captain Hange was depending on you. 

They had been the most compassionate leader you could have asked for. They were probably the main reason you decided to join the Scouts in the first place. You happened to overhear other recruits talking about her before graduation and couldn’t help but become more intrigued and curious about this captain who was said to be alive and loud, full of life despite the state of things all around us. You wanted to be close to someone like that. You needed it.

When Captain Hange chose you specifically, your heart soared. It was like you two were simply on the same wavelength. You loved the endless curiosity coupled with the enthusiasm of a schoolchild, even if Moblit seemed to become quite drained from it. Deep inside you knew for sure that you were lucky to be at their command. You were confident in their ability to lead.

So now, you needed to make sure you were going out there today confident in yourself. 

What happened while you tried to retake Trost comes across your mind against your will. You told yourself at the time it was a freak accident. You told yourself maybe it was just because you didn’t check it well enough. You’d been so preoccupied with other things. Your relationship with Levi was still just stolen moments followed by him pushing you away. You’d never gotten to spend the night with him or give yourself to him the way you wanted to. You knew that you almost lost your life that day because you were too consumed with the thought of him, amongst others. 

There was no greater fear for you than the moment your gear began to malfunction. You had heard a similar thing happened to Jean after the fact. It was sheer luck that a Titan hadn’t come across you bleeding out in the street. You didn’t know how long you laid there for, just staring into the sky, listening to all the noise around you. Eren had made it to his feet in his Titan form, you knew the mission was almost completed. But you doubted you would survive long enough to see it. You would never be able to forget the feeling of your body growing colder, knowing damn well what that meant. You tried to stay calm, you told yourself it was just meant to be this way. But you were filled with so much regret. You didn’t tell your captain how excited you were to join their squad. You didn’t get to tell any of your friends, who were all probably dead now, just how grateful you were to have spent those weeks together in training. You tried to picture all their faces in your head, bidding each one goodbye, until finally, one face filled your mind. 

Even in your head, he was scowling. You passed out reciting each of the closer features you’d gotten to notice that very last time he kissed you. The way his eyes looked in the sun while training you on the ODM gear privately. The way he pursed his lips when he read. The sharp edges of his jawline beneath your fingertips. You’d never gotten to tell him that you loved him.

Or at least you didn’t think you’d ever be able to. 

But you did. You lived. So many people died but you lived. And to say you were shocked to wake up, nonetheless wake up in his bed, was putting it lightly. You were pale, cold, and your abdomen ached like crazy. You’d never felt closer to death and yet there he was, staring into your face like you were something from another world entirely. That was the only time you’d ever seen him cry, even if it was just silently. You could still feel his wet cheeks beneath your fingers when you opened your eyes and reached out to touch him.

_“L-Levi.” Your voice was dry, raspy, but full of concern. God, he couldn’t understand the way you constantly found room to worry about him despite even coming just a hair away from death. But he didn’t care. He’d spent the past few hours dealing with the medics shuffling about his room, avoiding their hungry curious glances. He’d had to deal with a very annoying lecture from Erwin about you two. And most importantly, he’d had to deal with coming to terms with how he felt about you. It was insane to him how easy it was at the time. How incredibly little effort it took from him to not give a flying fuck who saw you be brought to his room or hear the way his voice sounded when he yelled at the medic for questioning his order to bring you there. He didn’t care about any of it. Out of everyone in this world who died that he loved, you survived._

_He grabbed your hand from his face to hold it in his, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles._

_“Hi.” He said before bringing your hand to his lips, “Are you in any pain? I can get one of those shitheads in here to give you something.” You chuckled weakly which turned into a shallow cough, sending a sharp pain through your body and you winced. You gripped his hand tightly and he came closer, holding your face._

_“Y/N, what hurts? Talk to me.”_

_“I love you.” You whispered, keeping your eyes closed as the pain faded. You heard his shallow gasp._

_“W-what?” He sounded flustered and you opened your eyes to look at him again._

_“The entire time I bled out, all I could think about was how stupid it was that I never told you I love you. I know you don’t feel the same--.” His entire face changed at that moment. He was completely awestruck._

_“My god, Y/N ,don’t be so stupid.” He stopped you, swooping down to kissing your lips quickly but firmly, “I do love you.”_

_“Levi…” You remember the way your heart almost stopped... again. He'd pretty much promised you'd never hear those words leave his lips. Stolen moments and fleeting touches were all he promised you, nothing more. Until now. You could see just how much the past few hours had worn on him. He looked completely drained, even though his eyes were more alive than ever._

_“Everyone I love dies. Everyone. But you didn’t. And I’ll be fucking damned if either one of us leaves this shitty place without the other knowing it now. I don’t give a shit what everyone else is going to think. I love you.”_

Those words meant everything to you. They still did, no matter how hard you tried to tell yourself to forget them. You didn’t let yourself fall down the rabbit hole of questions any longer. Whether or not he meant it was something only he knew now. 

Everyone was bustling around, checking their gas supplies, conducting last-minute inventory checks, making sure all their comrades were present and ready. The sun had risen, casting a warm light over the entire place. 

“Y/N!!” Your captain’s voice was booming as usual as they beckoned you over to where the rest of the squad was currently huddled. You listened intently as they went over some small details quietly as if the rest of the squads couldn’t hear us. You couldn’t help but feel this nagging notion that everyone else knew something that you didn't. Usually, the others had questions, a ton of them, but now they were silent. Almost as if all their questions had already been answered. 

His eyes landed on you against his will. You looked so tired but clearly, you were also fighting to keep a positive expression on your face until you had the chance to face away from someone and it fell into a deep frown. He tried to look for any other traces of distress, worried that what had happened last night would still be affecting you. He almost scolded himself for doubting you. You were a soldier just like him. You knew you needed to keep things off the battlefield, especially after Trost.

You hated the way you couldn’t stop fighting the urge to meet his gaze the second you felt it hit you. Petra was right. It was like you could just hear each other straining for one another across an entire mess of people. He didn’t move to approach you. How could he not have anything to say to you? After all that time, nothing?

“Everything alright?” Commander Erwin’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. He followed Levi’s gaze over to where you were standing with Hange, listening intently to some small details between the two of you regarding the formation and your placement in the formation. The angry captain’s quick attempt to look away from you was useless.

“Everything’s fine.” Levi turned his back to them all, ready to mount his horse so he could oversee all the preparations better.

“Hm, if everything’s fine, I’ll just call Y/N over here to join us so we can make sure we’re set for today?” Levi tried not to tense, but his scowl deepened and that was all Erwin needed.

“You and I are so alike in some ways, it’s annoyingly ironic.” Erwin clicked his tongue, “Whatever happened, settle it before we leave.”

“Is that an order?” Levi sat atop his horse, glaring at the blond commander stalking away from him. 

“It is now.” 

Sometimes he wished he could punch that man. 


End file.
